If you've been in a relationship, chances are you've also been through a break up. Even if you've only ever been in a relationship with one person, you've probably had at least one break up.
Break ups are difficult for everybody, whether you're the person being broken up with or doing the breaking up because either way you're losing someone you really care about. The relationship may be ending but that doesn't mean you just stop caring. I was 17 when I had my first break up - 17 was a crazy year for me. It was March 2017, we were just about 9 months into our relationship and things were not going very well. We were both really young and in very difficult places in our lives. Not to mention exams were coming up and university deadlines were just around the corner, suffice to say there was a lot of stress and emotions were incredibly high. It was a Monday afternoon, so we were in college, and we'd had a kind of argument the previous night about how we felt and just life in general. I think at this point we both knew things were a little different. We agreed to talk after college that day but during the morning I'd been struggling to concentrate, I just wanted us to talk and sort through everything so that we could go back to the way things were when we were happy. But that's not what happened.
During our lunch break we found a quiet spot where we could sit and talk. If I'm being honest, the images in my head are pretty vivid, but I can't really remember much of the conversation that we had. I mostly remember people walking past and giving us those sympathetic looks, they knew what was coming. Even though we didn't. I guess we should have, we both knew (I know I definitely did) that things hadn't been right for a little while, but I don't think either of us was ready to leave. We had to keep trying. But there has to come a point where enough is enough, which was that day. Even 2 years later, I can't begin to describe to you the ache in my chest as we broke up, "there's nothing we can do" and knowing it was really over. It's the thing that everybody fears most in a relationship, losing the other person. Only moments before one of our friends had tried to comfort me and she said to us that we should try to make this work because we were so in love and had something so special. My heart still breaks at the memory and I know his does too. But if someone isn't happy anymore, all you can do is let them go. I remember walking out of college crying and the first thing I did was call my mum and ask her to pick me up. I did actually have 2 more lessons that day but I just felt so upset that I wanted to go home (sorry to the teachers I told that I had a family emergency!).
I spent around 2 months after that surrounding myself with the people I love, I never spent time alone because I knew I'd just be thinking about him and would upset myself more. So I tried to fill the void that only he could fill. I'll never forget the mornings where I woke up feeling okay, went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and burst into tears saying "I can't believe it's really over". I'd cried over people before - friends, family, crushes but nothing like this. I knew for months before we got together that I loved him, I don't think I ever realised just how much until he left. For the first month we decided to try and be friends - we all know how that goes - couldn't even be in the same room as him without feeling my heart ache. So, we had one long 5am phone call where we talked about everything and had a really nice final talk, we ended the conversation in a very positive manner and decided to try and keep our distance or as much distance as we could get considering we had to see each other at college every day for the next 2 months.
As time passed by, I got a job (the fond memories of being a crew member at McDonalds), spent a lot of time with my friends and family and made fun memories - some I've forgotten due to alcohol intoxication but I'm sure they were fun at the time. Slowly but surely, I started to heal. Everything became much easier to bare and soon enough, I actually started to feel better - probably about 6 months after we broke up. Of course I still missed him and I knew a part of me would always love him. But I learned to live my life, I was okay in myself and I knew that everything really would be okay. It was hard to think about but I had a life before our relationship and I learned that I had a life after it too.
Although I'm lucky enough that he came back, I'm very grateful for what we went through because I learned how to deal with my problems, pick myself up and make myself better again. Also, it had a huge impact on our relationship, we're in the best place that we've ever been. There's no doubt in my mind that I'm going to marry this person and I can't wait for that day.
If you're going through a break up or heartache right now, I hope you know that it really does get better. Everything will be fine, you just have to give yourself enough time to heal. And remember, when something good falls apart it's so something greater can fall together.
If you ever need advice on a break up or want to share your story, my emails and DMs are always open on the links below.
Shine bright sunshines,
Raye x
"I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay" - Sara Evans
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