Losing a Loved One

 I know I'm terrible with posting. Honestly, this whole year has had all of us through a loop and I haven't had the motivation or the energy to write anything besides my uni work. Maybe it should be my goal for 2021 to write more blogs. Who knows?

I thought the first post I wrote after my accidental hiatus from this blog should be something meaningful, something I could write about where I could sit back afterwards and feel good about the work I'd done. This blog is extra significant to me because it is dedicated to one of my absolute favourite people, my Grandad. The man who lived next door (with my beautiful Nan) for 21 years and was still always excited to see me, even when I was coming round to borrow milk and bread, though he'd always respond with "we're not a bloody Asda!"

Losing a loved one is hard. Usually, when someone leaves us, it doesn't hurt as much because we know there's always a possibility that they can come back, we can get closure and learn to move on. Death is final. There's no more "see you tomorrow, I love you!", there's no more feeling the warmth of their skin on yours when they cuddle you. Sometimes, there's not even a goodbye. And there's nothing we can do about it, we can't bring them back. All we can do is celebrate their life, let them know we love them and do everything in our power to make them proud. 

You really get to know someone after their death, I know I've learned more about my Grandad since he's been gone than I did in the 21 years of living with him. It's crazy to think that our loved ones had lives before us, but they did. They lived a whole life that we couldn't even imagine would be possible. Though I may not have known everything about his life, I know all of the most important things about him - that he was the greatest grandad I could have ever asked for and that he loved me, with every fibre of his being. If he didn't know it then, he certainly knows now that I love him with every fibre of my being, too. 

There's no particular way to grieve, everyone does it in their own way. For me, I take comfort knowing that he is reunited with all of his loved ones that he's spent his lifetime grieving for, and while I'll spend forever missing him, I have the love and support of my family and friends who loved him too and know exactly how I'm feeling. He's surrounded by his favourite people to help him and so am I. He will live eternally in my heart and my memories and now in his outlined figure on my forearm. 

Grandad, I love you. I cannot thank you enough for the years that you have spent with me, teaching me how to bake, letting me taste test all of your cooking and for always having time for me. You helped make our two houses into one home and I will never forget how lucky I have been to have you as my Grandad. 

Hold your loved ones tight guys, you never know when will be the last time that you can. 

Shine bright Sunshines,

Raye x

"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" - Alfred Lord Tennyson

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MY FIRST: Year at University

This is my first blog post in 8 months, I apologise for the lack of writing, it's been really hard to find the time and the motivation. Instead of finishing my last assignment of first year, I thought I would procrastinate and write another blog post. 

Okay, so for those of you who don't know, this September I started university. I changed my mind so many times before applying in November 2018. After getting accepted to the universities that I wanted to go to, I was deadset on going. There was a lot of trouble to surrounding university to a point where I almost didn't go and I had to switch universities and ended up at Kingston University. The first six weeks of my first term hit, I travelled an hour every day to get to university and an hour back. The travel has been a nightmare yet I didn't roll in late that often. That's only because I would just brush my hair, shove on something comfy and leave, I got a LOT of weird looks at the train stations. 

My first visit home came and it took everything I had to go back to uni and not quit. I really missed my family and I wanted to stay with them. But, ultimately my friends and family convinced me not to quit, though my family were less insistent and wanted me to stay home. When I did go back to uni, I struggled to settle back in for the first couple of weeks. Then my friends made me feel better and I decided I would stay for the remainder of the year at least. I almost applied for a different uni for 2nd year because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do or if this is the right path for me and wanted to try something else and again, decided to stay where I am.

Now, I am quarantined in London with my boyfriend, 5 days away from the deadline for my final assignment of the year and still procrastinating.

So, the basic rundown of my first year of uni is as follows:

• Moved to London
• Started my course
• Got a job that I quit later the same day
• Made new friends 
• Went out drinking twice while in London
• Visited home 6 times
• Cried at a XR march while getting a story for my Journalism class
• Got a story published in the 2020 uni anthology
• Got a new job
• Worked 5 shifts at new job
• Quarantined with Steven
• Ate dessert 3 times a week for 3 weeks
• Wore only pyjamas for 5 weeks
• Finished first year

Safe to say, I haven't done very much this year other than cry and tell myself not to quit. However, now that I have a job (I do have a job I just currently can't work there because of we all know what), I have more money to spend on doing things I like which is currently just eating dessert and playing different versions of Sims on various consoles. 

Hopefully next year is more adventurous. 

Well, that's all for this time guys! As always, if you have any questions, suggestions or comments be sure to contact me on one of my links below. Maybe tell me about your first year at university, I'd love to hear all about them and maybe post them on here (anonymously of course). 

I hope you're all doing well, taking care and staying at home. 

Shine bright sunshines,

Raye x

Email: rayofsunshineblog@hotmail.com
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Third times a charm, right?

Hey everyone, I know it's been a while since I've written anything on this blog. Actually, it's the third time I've come back again - third times a charm, right? I often take weeks, or in this case months, to write out a blog and post it. I say that it's because I don't really have the time, which I didn't - I just couldn't find time to do anything besides work, eat and sleep. The whole truth is that I didn't have the words. There was nothing that I could write that would make me happy or proud to have written it. I can't think of the last time I picked up a pen and wrote something that truly made me feel good.

I don't like to admit when my mental health isn't great but honestly, over this last month or two I've been struggling. Really struggling. I spent so much time working that I pushed out all of the most important people in my life. It got to a point where even though I lived in the same house as my family, I wasn't getting to see them at all. There were times where it could be up to a week before I got the chance to see any of them. It's been heart breaking not getting to spend that time with them, especially with me moving to London soon because we'll have even less time together. Plus, there was also trying to fit in time to see my friends, my boyfriend, getting everything sorted for university - which has been a HUGE mess (much like the rest of my life) and all the necessities such as eat, sleep and finding time to just chill by myself, which I didn't get much of. I felt like I had no time, there were not enough hours in the day to do everything. And then when it came to my days off, I was so exhausted both mentally and physically that I just didn't have the energy to do anything, most of my time off was spent sleeping to recharge my energy, which then made me feel like I was wasting my life by sleeping it away.

Suffice to say, it's all been a little too much to bare.

In short, my mental health took a huge hit and I needed some time out. I didn't even realise it until I quit working and started spending more time with the people I love. All I needed was to be around my family, friends and my boyfriend for a few weeks and everything started to shift back into place. So, for now, the storm is over and I'm ready to get back to life as normal. Whatever normal is, everyone has their own version of normality and no two are the exact same.

For those of you who suffer from any mental health conditions, just know that you are truly brave and wonderful, I'm wishing you a lifetime of self love, peace and happiness. If you ever need to talk about anything, whether it's a personal issue, mental health or anything else, please know that you can always talk to someone! A friend, a teacher, a family member or even to me! I'm always happy to help however I can! Whatever you're going through, things will get better, please don't ever give up hope. If there's anything you want to talk about/any advice/suggestions that you want to share with me, my emails/messages are always open on the links below.

Thank you for waiting patiently for me to come back and asking me about my blogs, I've had an overwhelming amount of support for this blog since I started it and I can't thank you all enough! I assure you I'll be back again very soon with a new blog but as the usual Raye of Sunshine that you're all used to! Even the sun gets clouded by rain every once in a while - although it's practically every day in Britain. See you soon!

Shine bright Sunshines,
Raye x

"There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn't" - John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

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The memories we lose

It's crazy how many memories we lose while we're out making new ones. You don't even realise all the things you've forgotten until you're sat alone with your thoughts and you start to think about your life and all of your memories.

I remember being a kid and my friends would knock on my front door and say "Is Rachel coming out to play?" so I'd ask my mum's permission and she'd say yes and we'd all go to the field, where we'd just sit on the grass and just talk for hours. As we got older we realised that all that mattered was spending our short amount of time together. If I ever couldn't go out, my friends would sit with me on my front door step. We would sit right in front of my house and talk about life, who we liked, what we wanted to do, we'd even give each other advice. The nights where we'd be sat out there until late. Okay, so it was 9pm but back then that was classed as late. There was one moment with one of my best friends, I think I was around 15, where we just sat talking and things went quiet. We just kinda sat there and my heart started to race and it was one of those "is something going to happen?" "should I make something happen?" moments. It didn't. Although we did date during that summer, for a week - summer romance, am I right? We ultimately decided to be friends.

Obviously, I haven't seen or spoken to him since.

But I only remembered that when I sat and started thinking about it. There were so many other moments with different friends on my doorstep that, unless I really think about them, probably couldn't recount. In fact, I remember a girl I was best friends with for about a year, we were really close and for her birthday she decided to do a charity walk and invited me to come along. She wanted to do a 5 mile (ish) sponsored walk for Bluebell Wood. We fuelled up our energy with a maccies for the big journey, which we only managed to get half way through because we sat at a bus stop to rest for half an hour and then decided to give up and go home because we'd had enough. Although, we did raise a fair amount of money for it and I think it's amazing she did that. 

I remember the summers spent on the local field with my best friends and my siblings, getting snacks from the local shop, having our own little picnic and playing on the little park at the top - we used to see who could swing the highest on the swings. My brother always won. We used to laugh all day long. There were the times me and my friends went to the fair, there was a time where my friend and I rode a shopping trolley across the field, the times where my friends and I would eat fizzy lollies and watch the people around us. 

There were the sleepovers spent messaging our crushes, MSN chats, cringey photos, school trips, late night BBM messages, . All with friends I've not seen or spoken to in years. All these memories that I never realised I'd forgotten until I sat and thought back through the years that've gone by. 

Take a moment, just think back to school or just over the years - what memories have you forgotten while you've been out making new ones?

As always, my Email/DMS are always open for you to ask any questions, give any suggestions or ask for advice! I've now even made a Twitter account, if you haven't already followed it its linked below!! Anything you want to know or to see change, I'm happy to hear and to help.

Shine bright sunshines,
Raye x 

"Before too long you'll be a memory" - Mayday Parade, One Man Drinking Games

Email: rayofsunshineblog@hotmail.com

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MY FIRST: Break Up

If you've been in a relationship, chances are you've also been through a break up. Even if you've only ever been in a relationship with one person, you've probably had at least one break up.

Break ups are difficult for everybody, whether you're the person being broken up with or doing the breaking up because either way you're losing someone you really care about. The relationship may be ending but that doesn't mean you just stop caring. I was 17 when I had my first break up - 17 was a crazy year for me. It was March 2017, we were just about 9 months into our relationship and things were not going very well. We were both really young and in very difficult places in our lives. Not to mention exams were coming up and university deadlines were just around the corner, suffice to say there was a lot of stress and emotions were incredibly high. It was a Monday afternoon, so we were in college, and we'd had a kind of argument the previous night about how we felt and just life in general. I think at this point we both knew things were a little different. We agreed to talk after college that day but during the morning I'd been struggling to concentrate, I just wanted us to talk and sort through everything so that we could go back to the way things were when we were happy. But that's not what happened. 

During our lunch break we found a quiet spot where we could sit and talk. If I'm being honest, the images in my head are pretty vivid, but I can't really remember much of the conversation that we had. I mostly remember people walking past and giving us those sympathetic looks, they knew what was coming. Even though we didn't. I guess we should have, we both knew (I know I definitely did) that things hadn't been right for a little while, but I don't think either of us was ready to leave. We had to keep trying. But there has to come a point where enough is enough, which was that day. Even 2 years later, I can't begin to describe to you the ache in my chest as we broke up, "there's nothing we can do" and knowing it was really over. It's the thing that everybody fears most in a relationship, losing the other person. Only moments before one of our friends had tried to comfort me and she said to us that we should try to make this work because we were so in love and had something so special. My heart still breaks at the memory and I know his does too. But if someone isn't happy anymore, all you can do is let them go. I remember walking out of college crying and the first thing I did was call my mum and ask her to pick me up. I did actually have 2 more lessons that day but I just felt so upset that I wanted to go home (sorry to the teachers I told that I had a family emergency!). 

I spent around 2 months after that surrounding myself with the people I love, I never spent time alone because I knew I'd just be thinking about him and would upset myself more. So I tried to fill the void that only he could fill. I'll never forget the mornings where I woke up feeling okay, went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and burst into tears saying "I can't believe it's really over". I'd cried over people before - friends, family, crushes but nothing like this. I knew for months before we got together that I loved him, I don't think I ever realised just how much until he left. For the first month we decided to try and be friends - we all know how that goes - couldn't even be in the same room as him without feeling my heart ache. So, we had one long 5am phone call where we talked about everything and had a really nice final talk, we ended the conversation in a very positive manner and decided to try and keep our distance or as much distance as we could get considering we had to see each other at college every day for the next 2 months.

As time passed by, I got a job (the fond memories of being a crew member at McDonalds), spent a lot of time with my friends and family and made fun memories - some I've forgotten due to alcohol intoxication but I'm sure they were fun at the time. Slowly but surely, I started to heal. Everything became much easier to bare and soon enough, I actually started to feel better - probably about 6 months after we broke up. Of course I still missed him and I knew a part of me would always love him. But I learned to live my life, I was okay in myself and I knew that everything really would be okay. It was hard to think about but I had a life before our relationship and I learned that I had a life after it too. 

Although I'm lucky enough that he came back, I'm very grateful for what we went through because I learned how to deal with my problems, pick myself up and make myself better again. Also, it had a huge impact on our relationship, we're in the best place that we've ever been. There's no doubt in my mind that I'm going to marry this person and I can't wait for that day.

If you're going through a break up or heartache right now, I hope you know that it really does get better. Everything will be fine, you just have to give yourself enough time to heal. And remember, when something good falls apart it's so something greater can fall together. 

If you ever need advice on a break up or want to share your story, my emails and DMs are always open on the links below.

Shine bright sunshines, 

Raye x

"I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay" - Sara Evans

Email: rayofsunshineblog@hotmail.com

IG: instagram.com/rayeofsunshineblog

STORY TIME: Mayday Parade

Hey guys, I’m so sorry for not posting in so long! With work and travelling to London so often it’s been difficult to find the time to write out and post my blogs. I promise I’m trying really hard but it is a lot of time and energy that’s unfortunately being taken up by other events. But I will try to post more!

So, I figured every once in a while I’d do a “story time” blog, where I recount a particular event that was funny or interesting or important to me! This one is my second ever concert. Yes I’m 19 and only been to 2 concerts but they cost money I just don’t have. This is a long one though, so brace yourself. I hope you find it all as funny as we did.

A few weeks ago I went to a concert in Leeds with some of my favourite people. This was the first concert I had been to in 11 years - yes, over a decade ago! I was 8 when I went to my first concert and it was for Good Charlotte with my dad and my sister. I remember some of the night like it was yesterday, actually the main thing I remember is being sat on my dad’s shoulders because I was so little and seeing them on the stage and my sister shouting “BENJI HAS HIS PINK GUITAR” as it went really quiet. It was a fun night, from what I remember.

Since I was a kid the last time I went to a concert, I don't know what I was expecting. But it was definitely better than I imagined. The day itself however, was a bit of a rush. It started with getting up late and having to rush to get ready, which always results in some form of a tantrum and having to redo my make up at least twice. Once I'd finally managed to get ready it then meant having to quickly get food and rush around to meet my best friend, who was not at all surprised when I rocked up 15 minutes late - Sorry Gee!

In my defence, I’m ordinarily 2 hours late. I’m very surprised I was only 15 minutes late. Seriously I’m not kidding, my friends always tell me we’re meeting 2 hours prior to our actual meeting time because they know I’ll be late.

After I finally managed to make it to her, she quickly drove us round to her house where we then had to get out of the car and walk around to the train station - a 10 minute walk - in around 5 minutes. Unfortunately, that day I had decided to wear thigh high boots with huge heels which happened to be bending my toes backwards. Which now I think about it was a dumb idea but hey, they really suited my outfit!

So, we got to the train station at around 15:44 and the train was due to leave at 15:45. So just as we got to the platform, the train had driven off. Yay. We then had to pay extra money to get on the next train, which wasn't for another half hour. We just sat and waited at a Burger King in the station until our train arrived. And, by the time we got on our next train, it was leaving. Meaning that we had to jump on the nearest available carriage to make sure we didn't have to pay for a third ticket. We ended up just sitting on the floor in between two carriages until we got to Leeds.

Then, we finally made it into Leeds! It was only a 10 minute walk from the academy to the train station, so just across the road from the academy was a spoons. We obviously had to go in and have one drink - it's spoons, it's mandatory! I was very surprised it only turned out to be one drink though, I'm actually really proud of us all. After the one drink we went to the academy and just stood listening to the opening band "Pronoun", who sounded pretty good actually.

My boyfriend and I sat down for the next two acts "Movements" and "The Wonder Years" who were both really good. And I must admit I really enjoyed listening to the music whilst lounging on a sofa and not having to be stood up for hours. At one point, I was on the verge of falling asleep but it’d been a long week and it was only Wednesday. The mere thought of being sat down almost put me to sleep, let alone actually sitting down.

Although, when the main act came onstage I just had to stand up and join the crowd. This concert was for a band that I will always have a special place in my heart for - Mayday Parade. I remember being 14 years old with my black puffy hair and side swept fringe listening to Mayday Parade and wondering how they always managed to put into song exactly how I felt and capture my emotions so perfectly. I was so profound back then. Now I just listen to their music and cry about how it's been 5 years since then.

Watching them onstage was like a dream coming true, as cheesy and cliché as it sounds. Seeing them up there and screaming their songs as loud as I can with other people who love them just as much as I do was amazing. 14 year old me would be so happy and 19 year old me is too. It was something I'd been waiting for, for 5 years. I just watched them, singing along. I didn't take any photos or videos and just immersed in the moment and I'd never felt so content.

And then we had to leave 20 minutes early to get the train home but by that point my feet were in agony, I couldn't walk another minute in them. As we left the academy I took my shoes off and carried them around with me to the train station. When we got to the entrance of the train station, we figured out that we had come to the wrong entrance and then had to run and find the other entrance - with only 2 minutes until our train. By the time we finally found the entrance and got to our platform, the train was just leaving.

We managed to get another train 10 minutes later for no extra charge though, considering I had no shoes on, stepped in oil in my socks and I swear I had blisters from those shoes, I was pretty grateful. So we got the last train home, which ended up being delayed by 20 minutes due to someone falling onto the tracks. As soon as we got home, it was sleep time for us. Despite the day being eventful, it was  incredible - totally worth it! 

Think back to the last concert you went to, what was it like? Who did you go to see? 
As always my email/DMs are always open if you would like to send in any questions/advice/suggestions and I'll answer them all! 

Shine bright sunshines,
Raye x

"Music is the fastest motivator in the world" - Amit Kalantri 

Email: rayofsunshineblog@hotmail.com
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People leave. Some people just walk out of your life without warning, others slowly start to fade until they completely disappear and sometimes, you're the one that leaves. That's the thing about people, we know they can be unreliable and untrustworthy but we trust them anyway, hoping they prove us wrong. 

I've lost a lot of friends over the last 5 years -  it would probably take both my hands at least to count how many people this could apply to in my life. Well I don't know if I lost friends, you can't lose something you never really had. And if people can treat you fine one moment then like you're their worst enemy the next and they don't think they did anything wrong, are you really losing anything? 

There are lots of reasons people leave, whether it's an argument that can't be resolved, distance, rumours, secrets spilled, love lost. A lot of the time you don't think about these people, it's a little like they've been forgotten. But then, one random afternoon you can be scrolling through social media or talking to someone and all of a sudden their name crops up and you start to think about all the memories you had together. The fun memories - days out, meals, road trips, clubbing, late night chats, sleepovers. And you become nostalgic for those times, wondering what it'd be like if you guys were still friends and whether you should try and get into contact with them, see how they're doing. Then you remember everything that's happened, the things you've been through and why you are where you are now and whilst you don't want to be friends again, you hope that they're doing okay. The feeling passes and you move on with your day without another thought. Because you want them to be okay but not to a point where you actually want to have to talk to them again. And it hurts. It really does. Of course it does, I mean at one point you shared everything with these people - secrets, food, heartache, laughs and now it's like that friendship never even existed. It's pretty similar to a break up really. I think that's one of the more difficult things about growing up, you drift apart from people you thought would be in your life forever. But, you become closer to people you never imagined you would and I’m so grateful for every single one of those people! They know exactly who they are.

If you've ever had someone leave your life, whether it's for something they did or something you did, just know that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we find out that reason and other times we try and figure out why it happened until we get the closure we deserve. Other times, we pretend we don't care until we have to admit that we do. But it gets better. You'll slowly start to heal yourself and learn that not everybody in your life is meant to stay but they're there to teach you a lesson and help you to grow. 

To the people I no longer speak to or who no longer speak to me for whatever reason, if you ever do read this just know that although I don't miss you, I hope you're doing okay. I wish you all the best and hope you're truly happy. I have no ill feelings, no grudges and no regrets. I've met a lot of great people in my life who are here to stay and whilst you're not one of them, I'm thankful for every memory we ever shared and lesson you ever taught me. 

Are there any people you've lost over the years? Would you like them back in your life or are you grateful for them not being in your life anymore?

My emails/DMs are always open if you want to send in any suggestions/advice/questions that you have and I will answer them all! Otherwise, I'll see you next time:) 

Shine bright sunshines,
Raye x

"Cutting people out of your life is easy, keeping them in is hard" - Walter Dean Myers

Email: rayofsunshineblog@hotmail.com
IG: instagram.com/rayeofsunshineblog